Some of the most powerful lessons about leadership don’t come from classrooms or boardrooms they come from the unexpected corners of life. For me, it started on a Wyoming cattle ranch, where I learned that the slightest tug on a horse’s bit could guide a thousand-pound animal with grace. Later, as an FBI Counterintelligence Agent, I discovered that the same principle applied to people the right words, spoken with empathy and intent, could influence outcomes more effectively than force or authority.

Lessons from the Ranch

I learned early on that a well trained horse could tell where and when to cut a cow from the herd with a light tug on the bit while I was growing up on a rural cattle ranch in Wyoming. Because the bit directed the entire animal, the magic was in the horse’s mouth. I had total control over my horse thanks to the mouth, a strong instrument.

Lessons from the FBI

I later gained more knowledge about how the mouth affects results while working as an FBI Counterintelligence Agent. In order to recruit foreign spies and win their assistance, I had to adopt the appropriate language. Coercion and extortion seldom work, despite what you see in movies.

Building Trust

A foreign intelligence operative in the United States attempted to rob a Silicon Valley corporation of its sensitive technologies. I struck up a chat about the speaker when I first met him at a conference. I gradually won his trust before coming forward with who I was. Despite his caution, I maintained a cheerful tone of voice because we had built trust.

Demonstrating Empathy

I convinced him to assist the FBI over the course of several months by demonstrating empathy and optimism for his family.

Words as a Leadership Tool

Successful leaders are aware that the words we use affect not only how we think but also how others think. Because their talks shape the reality of their workplace, leaders have a strong tool at their disposal to guide their colleagues.

Three Leadership Practices

1. Pay Close Attention
2. Imagine Yourself in Their Position
3. Ask Hard Questions

No 1. Pay Close Attention

This isn’t as easy as it looks. According to research, the brain predicts what will happen next by using what we have already heard from the speaker. The brain is even more active when something unexpected is spoken, indicating that it is constantly trying to predict what will happen next and is sensitive to surprises.

Why It Matters

The brain’s natural tendency to react rapidly is suppressed when we listen intently. By listening deeply, we extend our horizons and expose ourselves to solutions beyond what our minds can produce.

How to Apply It

Start by engaging in active listening exercises with loved ones. Notice when you attempt to complete a sentence for them or anticipate what they will say next.

No 2. Imagine Yourself in Their Position

For years, I confused empathy with compassion. Here’s the distinction:

• Empathy: Placing oneself in another person’s position and feeling their emotions as if they were your own.

• Compassion: Feeling pity, grief, or concern for someone else’s struggles, but from your own perspective.

Why It Matters

Leaders must establish an emotional connection with their followers in order to earn respect. We react emotionally first that’s how the brain is wired. Leaders who demonstrate empathy for others’ struggles gain admiration and loyalty.

How to Apply It

Practice silence and attentive listening. Let people express their feelings before offering guidance. Reflect before responding to build deeper understanding and stronger relationships.

No 3. Ask Hard Questions

Success often requires asking tough questions that move beyond polite conversations.

Why It Matters

Many avoid tough questions for fear of pushing others away. But effective leaders know that when framed with empathy, hard questions open doors to honesty and trust.

Examples from Leadership

• Corporate Example: A Fortune 500 HR head began tough conversations with general questions, moving to harder ones with empathy. Employees often thanked her afterward.

• FBI Example: When asking foreign spies to betray their country, I softened questions with phrases like, “Just out of curiosity…” This made them less threatening and allowed silence to work in my favor.

Beyond Words Nonverbal Cues

Remember, two conversations are always happening:

1. The words we use.

2. Our body language.
   If body language contradicts words, trust breaks down.

How to Apply It

Observe gestures and nonverbal reactions during discussions, especially when asking sensitive questions. These cues often reveal truths words don’t.

Conclusion: Leadership Tools

Leaders may foster cooperation, rapport, and trust through their conversations. Effective methods for directing others and creating meaningful connections include:

• Listening attentively

• Showing empathy

• Asking skillful questions

These practices allow leaders to guide others while building deep, fruitful relationships.